


Kalopsia

by lawsofman



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Blood, Cartel, F/M, Guns, Slow Burn, Torture, Violence, Wounds, idk things might get steamy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:40:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29414271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lawsofman/pseuds/lawsofman
Summary: Agent Cam Reyes faces Bogotá at the height of Pablo Escobar's reign.
Relationships: Horacio Carrillo/Original Female Character(s), Javier Peña/Original Female Character(s), Javier Peña/Reader, Pedro pascal - Relationship
Comments: 20
Kudos: 18





	1. Que Sera Sera

**BOGOTÁ - LATE 1986**

The crinkling of food wrappers and the sound of chewing could be heard in the otherwise silent undercover car as Agents Gonzales and Reyes ate their dinner staked out. To any passer-by, it looked like a young couple having a quick bite to eat in their car. The busy street just off of the downtown area was the perfect spot to just hide out and blend in. 

The occasional beep from the car’s radio would break the silence, but other than that, they kept a watch of their surroundings as the sun started to set in Bogotá.

“Leslie’s still not talking to me,” Nick Gonzales stated with a sigh from the driver’s seat as he set his drink down in the cup holder below. Though he had the name ‘Gonzales’, he looked anything but. With his light -nearly blond- hair and paler complexion, his fluency in Spanish was a surprise to everyone he came across that didn’t already know him -his partner included. At the mention of Nick’s slightly estranged wife, Reyes’ interest peaked. 

“Still?” Cam Reyes asked, muffled by the arepa she was chewing on, as she crumpled up the wrapper in her hand and tossed it into the paper bag. 

“I don’t know what to do,” the distress in his voice was obvious to Cam. Having been partners for the last four years in Colombia, their relationship was almost symbiotic -like they shared the same brain. Cam could see the lines of stress growing deeper on his forehead.

“Not that I have any experience with this kind of thing, but you understand where she’s coming from, though, right?” Cam questioned with a brow raised at her partner. Her eyes scanned the area out of habit, and also out of necessity otherwise she’d get sucked into the conversation and not keep track of why they were there in the first place. “People on the outside don’t…understand what we do. They know it’s dangerous, but that’s about it. They can't comprehend what our jobs entail. There’s a reason why non-essentials were sent back to the states, Leslie included. I can understand her frustration at having to leave, and I can sympathize with it, but if you’ve reached out and she doesn’t want to talk...then that’s on her.” Cam sighed, “Just give her time. Give her space-“

“She’s thousands of miles away! How much more-“

“She’s _upset_!” Cam cut an exasperated Nick off, “She’s allowed to be upset. Just like _you’re upset_ that _she’s upset_. Remind me to never get married,” Nick rolled his eyes at his partner’s dramatics. 

Nick bit his lip like he wanted to say more, but stopped himself. He opened his mouth, shut it, then dragged his hands down his face. 

“Leslie’s pregnant,” Nick blurted out. His chest exhaled as if a massive weight just fell off of him. “That’s why she’s mad. She’s pregnant and alone, and I mean she has her family and mine, but it’s not me,” Cam’s eyes looked like they were going to pop out of her skull as she whipped around to look at her partner.

“Jesus Christ, Nick!” Cam slapped Nick on his arm, more out of shock than anything else. “No wonder she’s pissed off!” 

“I know, I know-“ He held his hands up in defense. Cam sat back in her seat and studied Nick, then shook her head.

“I don’t know whether to congratulate you, or wack you upside the head,” A smile started to snake its way to Cam’s mouth. Nick, catching Cam’s genuine response, started to grin as well -albeit more bashfully. “I’ll start with congratulations and work my way down,” Nick’s vibrant blush continued to grow, spreading to his ears and down his neck. 

“Thank you,”

“How far along was she when she left?”

“About eight weeks,” Cam whistled.

“So that’d make her about twelve weeks now, right?” He nodded, the grin never leaving his face. Cam could feel a small buildup of tears. “Holy shit, Nick. I’m so happy for you both. Truly,”

“Oh no,” Nick started, “Are you _crying_?” Cam was quick to dab at her eyes, careful not to smear her mascara. Her arm did take a swing at him though. “You’re gonna meet the little munchkin and-”

“Don’t you finish that sentence, Nick-”

“Get baby fever,” Nick looked so smug as he said it, too. 

“Never,” Cam stated, finger pointed at Nick’s face. “ _Never_ , in my life, have I ever had the desire to get pregnant to then go into labor for 30+ hours, only to then push an entire person out of my genitals, Nick. Most times I don’t even want a man down there, much less an entire baby,” Nick couldn’t help but burst out laughing.

“So you’re telling me that if Javier wanted to settle down with you and pop a few out, you’d say no?” Nick raised a condescending brow.

“Are you high?” Cam squinted at Nick, who was barely holding himself together. He loved winding his partner up any chance he got. “One, Javier is definitely not the type to settle down and start a family. And two, Javier was a _three and done_ type of thing,”

“Three and done?”

“Mmhmm. When I found out about _the_ _brothels_ **and** _the_ _informants_ …” Cam shook her head with a grossed out expression.

“Not that I’m defending him, but he is single in a foreign country. However, everyone at the office knows that he’s infatuated with you.”

“Shut up, Nick,” The duo were silent for a few moments before Nick brought the topic back up.

“What about that cop from the Search Bloc? Wouldn’t have been my first choice for you, but it beats the whore of the office,” Nick teased.

“Carrillo?” Cam tilted her head. “I’ve definitely thought about it. I’d be stupid not to, but I’d be equally as stupid _to_ do anything about it. I don’t know, I’d go for it, but god knows if he’d even be interested. Seems like his plate is full as it is,” Cam shrugged.

“I’ve seen how he looks at you. He respects you, at least, unlike the rest of us,”

“At least,” Cam rolled her eyes.

“All I’m saying is, settling down could be good for you.”

“So would a bullet in the head to put me out of my own goddamn misery,” Cam grumbled out, causing Nick to start up another round of laughter.

Nick was too busy laughing at Cam, and Cam was absolutely too animated to hear the motorcycle zoom towards them. By the time Cam had her wits to look out of her window, she could see the motorcycle through the side mirror quickly zooming towards them in a horrifically all too familiar way. 

“Get do-” A hail of bullets entered the vehicle. Cam threw herself to the floor of the car, trying to pull Nick down as she went so he’d get some cover. Cam heard that start of screams from running pedestrians, but they were cut off as soon as the shooting started.

It felt like hot, fiery pokers were being jabbed through Cam’s body with each bullet that hit its target. Glass was shattering all around her, every window blown out thanks to the uzi that was still shooting into the car. The sounds of the bullets ripping through the metal of the car doors and the squelching sounds of the bullets impacting both Nick and Cam were sounds she’d never forget if she ever lived to forget anything again.

And just as quickly as it started, the hail of bullets stopped, and the motorcycle sped away.

Cam sat huddled on the floor of the vehicle for a few moments, gasping for breath. It felt like water was rushing through her ears as the taste of copper entered her mouth. Every breath was excruciating. Even the short, staggered breaths she managed felt like they were slowly becoming her last. 

As the water in her head receded, she could hear the horn of the car in constant alarm. Cam blinked to clear her vision, the adrenaline making her limbs feel like spaghetti. She turned her head to Nick, calling out his name in desperation.

Nick, her partner -her best friend- sat hunched against the steering wheel of the undercover car -lifeless. 

“Nick,” Cam called again in vain. With every ounce of strength Cam had left in her, she nearly screamed as she pushed herself up with her legs to sit on her seat. Glass crunched under her, but she needed to get to Nick. The movement alone was enough to push the adrenaline through her system and the pain started to settle in. Heat radiated off of her where she had been shot, and she could feel the blood trickling out of every hole. 

Cam carefully pushed Nick back into his seat, cutting of the horn. The silence that enraptured the street was deafening. Nick slumped back against the seat, his blue eyes staring into the void. 

Cam didn’t need to check his pulse. If the dozens of rounds in his torso weren’t enough of an indicator, the single shot to the side of his head, just above his ear, was.

Cam’s blood soaked hands shook as she tried to put pressure on her own torso wounds with one hand and reached for the car’s radio with the other. With each second that passed, Cam could feel her life leaving her. Her hands felt cold, almost ice like. Her energy leaving with each drop of blood that flowed from her veins. 

“10-99, I repeat 10-99,” Cam groaned into the receiver. “This is Reyes,” Cam’s voice was slurring. “Gonzales is…down, and I’ve been…hit,” She took a few short breaths, “I repeat,” Another breath, “Agents…down. Request…am-ambulance. Montaña and Terce-…” The radio fell from Cam’s hand and tumbled to the middle consul.

Cam’s breathing was wet and raspy as her body gave out. She slumped in her seat much like her counterpart. Cam's bloodshot eyes looked out of the broken passenger window to the sky. Blue. Stunningly clear blue. Cam could hear distant sirens, so close and yet so far. 

She slowly closed her eyes, the beautifully clear sky the last image in her mind.


	2. I Speak, I Breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is always welcome!

When Cam felt one of her eyes cracking open, she knew it had to be a mistake. She felt like a tennis ball was stuck in her throat and a dull throb radiated through her entire body from head to toe.

The first thing Cam saw were the blue skies of Bogotá. A bird flew passed the window, but other than that, the sky was unmoving. She groaned, closing her eyes at the sensitivity her eyes felt. Cam turned her head in the opposite direction of the window and opened her eyes to look at the obvious hospital room she was in. 

The first thing she noticed were the dozens of flower bouquets that adorned the room. Balloons, teddy bears, and other knick knacks were strewn about the space, but the one thing that stuck out like a sore thumb was Javier Peña sitting in a chair against the wall near the right side of her bed. 

And he was looking directly at her. 

Cam sighed and laid her head back.

“You guys are fucking assholes,” Cam muttered. Her throat was raw and unused. Every syllable hurt to express, but she made sure he heard her.

“You died three times and that’s the first thing you have to say?” Javier rushed over and helped her lean over to take a sip of water through a straw.

“Yes,” Cam took a deep breath, “Why am I alive?”

“Well,” Javier pulled his chair right up next to the bed. “You’re alive because the kind paramedic that arrived on the scene resuscitated you twice before you even made it into the back of the ambulance. Then, you went through 9 hours of surgery to remove the bullets and put you back together again,” Javier tapped on the cast that adorned Cam’s left arm. “You had some internal damage, obviously, so they put you out so you could just…heal.” At that, Cam used one of her feet to rub up the calf of her other leg. She felt hair much longer than she preferred, which prompted her next question.

“How long have I been out?”

“Nearly two weeks,” He stood, looked down at Cam with a strange expression, and started walking towards the door. “I’m going to let the Ambassador know you’re awake, and I’ll grab a nurse to come check on you, alright?” 

* * *

Cam sat up at an incline in the hospital bed the next morning. Javier sat with her the previous night. Cam hadn’t said much, other than a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’, but Javier sat there with her anyway. By sunrise this morning, he had been called away to tend to other matters. 

Cam had spoken to the Ambassador who was grateful for her recovery. After being assured that Cam would have 24 hour security on her at all times, she was left alone to her thoughts and the telenovela she was at the mercy of watching. 

Cam made sure Javier opened the curtains and blinds so she could look outside. 

Cam could feel herself slipping into her mind, into the images, the sounds, the tastes, everything that would bring her back to that day. Nick. She’d never get her last glimpse of him out of its permanent residence behind her eyes. The hole in the side of his head deafening to her psyche.

Why did he have to die? Why not _her_? He was…the thought alone made tears well in Cam’s eyes. His child would never know who its father was. _Leslie_ , how could she forget about _Leslie_. God knows what she was going through right now.

So lost in her own head, Cam didn’t hear the knock at the door, but she did catch an unexpected head peaking in to see if it was okay to enter. Cam was quick to wipe under her eyes with her castless hand and put on a brave face. The sutures under her right eye stung with each tear that fell onto them.

Colonel Horacio Carrillo was out of uniform as he stepped through the door, shutting it behind him. Cam gave him a once over, noting his perfectly pressed beige slacks and short sleeved off-white polo shirt that was _just tight enough_ was tucked into the slacks, held tight with a leather belt. Cam could see the flex of his right bicep as he held a pot with beautiful orchids standing tall. 

“ _I see I’m not the only one,_ ” Horacio nodded to the flowers along the room. 

“ _No, but they are beautiful. Please set them here,_ ” Cam motioned to the small table next to her bed. The orchids were a beautiful light shade of white-almost pink, with a violet pattern inside of the petals. They were also the only orchids in the room. 

“ _Thank you, you didn’t have to do this,_ ” Cam said softly. Horacio’s normally hard eyes, held a softness in them as he looked down at Cam’s pathetic form in the bed below him. “ _The orchids are stunning, Horacio. Please, have a seat if you’d like,_ ” Cam motioned to the seat that Javier never returned. She offered to be polite, but she was on the verge of a breakdown and he really didn’t need to see her as a bigger mess than she already was. 

Horacio sat down stiffly, absolutely out of his element. Cam bit the inside of her lip to keep it from wobbling. Carrillo wasn’t stupid, not by a long shot, and he could see the tears on Cam’s lash line, an invisible dam holding back the flow until it was too much. She took a deep breath, as deep as she could with the sutures in her chest and back, and tried to keep herself together.

“ _I’m sorry,_ ” Cam’s scratchy voice apologized as she wiped her eyes again with a shaky hand. “I’m sorry,”

“Hey, hey,” Horacio gently pried Cam’s hand from her face and held it in his own. It was warm, solid, calloused, and most importantly - comforting. Cam grasped onto it like it was a life preserver and she was adrift in the middle of the ocean with nothing but the briny deep below her. It seemed to be enough to calm her for the moment. “ _Don’t apologize. You’re mourning._ ” Cam still felt like shit as the tears continued to flow.

“ _Peña said you just woke up?_ ” Horacio started, hoping to get Cam to open up about anything. 

“ _Yesterday morning. I don’t know how,_ ” Cam’s voice was just above a whisper. “ _When I saw Nick slumped over the steering wheel, I was so sure I was going to die too. I was ready. I wasn’t expecting to wake up in a hospital looking like a slice of fucking Swiss cheese,_ ” Cam bit her lip, “But here I am,” 

“You’re strong,”

“I’m a fucking idiot,” Cam corrected, flip flopping between English and Spanish. “Had I been paying closer attention, this wouldn’t have happened. _If I wasn’t an asshole and made Nick drive, he wouldn’t be dead right now. If I hadn’t picked up that radio, I wouldn’t be dealing with this. There were a lot of stupid decisions that led up to this, and they’re all on me._ ”

“ _That’s not going to make you feel better,_ ”

“ _What?_ ”

“ _Blaming yourself for the actions of others. It won’t change anything,_ ” Cam looked at Horacio, his dark eyes holding nothing but truth and honesty. The silence that followed between them was heavy until Cam broke it. 

“ _Nick hated driving here,_ ” She picked at the edge of her cast. The feeling of not being able to scratch her skin was driving her nuts. “ _So I drove us everywhere for the most part in the last four years. Day in, and day out, I was behind the wheel of that car,_ ” Cam looked over to Horacio, who was watching and listening intently. “ _There was no reason for him to drive that day. No reason,_ ” 

Horacio squeezed Cam’s hand once more.

“ _His wife is pregnant._ ” Horacio sucked in a breath at this, “ _He had just told me minutes before it happened. It’s amazing how fast life can change…or stop. His body was sent back to the states while I was out,_ ”

Horacio understood what she was talking about. He had seen way too many of his own men fall, leaving their families to pick up the pieces. 

“Are you going to be okay?” Cam shrugged at his question.

“ _Physically?_ ” She looked down at the johnny that covered her body. She had seen the damage to her torso, her leg, and her arms, but she hadn’t seen what her face or back looked like. “ _I feel like I got shoved through a wood chipper. Emotionally? Who fucking knows,_ ” 

“ _You’re going back to the DEA once you’re able?_ ”

“ _When I can,_ ” Cam sighed. “ _I have two more weeks in here, then I have a month of physical therapy, and I’m sure I’ll be on desk duty for the foreseeable future,_ ”

A knock at the door interrupted the two. A nurse stuck her head in, smiling when she saw Horacio. Cam immediately craved the warmth of his hand as soon as it left hers.

“ _It’s time to change your bandages, Miss. Sir, can I please ask you to step outside?_ ” Her name was Penelopé, and she was Cam’s favorite nurse in the rotation that she’d experienced so far. 

“ _No problem. I was just heading out_ ,” Horacio assured the nurse. He stood from his seat and gave Cam’s hand one more squeeze. “ _If you need anything, please let me know._ ”

“Thank you for the flowers,” He nodded, an almost tender look if Cam was reading into it clearly, “And thank you for coming. You didn’t have to, but you chose to and I…I really appreciate it.”

“Please, take what I said to heart,” Horacio glanced at Cam one last time, then passed the nurse in the doorway and turned left down the hall.


	3. The Mercy Seat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the love this has received thus far!

**THREE MONTHS LATER**

Cam was pushing in her final bobby pin, and giving her high ponytail a spritz of hairspray when a knock sounded at her door. Giving herself one final look in the mirror, she nodded and left the bathroom.

“You’re actually here on time,” Cam stated as she let Javier’s clearly still sleepwalking self into her apartment, mostly relieved that he kept his promise he made the night before.

“You sound surprised,” Javi raised a brow playfully and lightly brushed passed Cam and immediately went to her fridge with a yawn.

“Unless things have changed since I’ve been out, you usually don’t roll into the office until around nine and it is,” Cam checked her watch, “6:32,” Javi shrugged, biting into one of the apples that was hanging out in the fruit bowl on the counter.

“I knew you wanted to get in early, so by the grace of God himself, here I am,” Javi held his arms out as if he himself were a gift. Cam snorted, but thanked him nonetheless.

“Let me grab my shoes and we can leave,” Cam turned around, giving Javier a very welcomed view thanks to her…very generous tweed pencil skirt.

* * *

The ride to headquarters was uneventful. Javier brought up his new partner: a blond haired, blue eyed city hick who had a loud mouth (Cam laughed at that one, considering that was coming out of Javier’s mouth) who couldn’t speak Spanish and couldn’t follow directions for shit. They apparently lived in the same building as Javier and Cam, much to her surprise.

“I don’t know how long he’s going to last here. Either he get’s the Escobar Special or he transfers,” He shrugged, lighting a cigarette as he drove. “My money’s on the bullet,”

“You’re terrible,” Cam shook her head with a grin.

* * *

Cam sat in Javier’s car, looking at her face in a small powder compact she kept in her purse. The brutal bruises had faded back to her natural tone, she thanked God. The stitches on her forehead and cheek, however, were a different story. Both sets of stitches were removed weeks ago, but there were still puckered lines of pink scar tissue that stared back at her tauntingly. At least she’d be able to cover them both with the wispy bangs that framed her face. If Brigitte Bardot was a brunette, Cam could’ve given her a run for her money when it came to her hair.

“Hey,” Javi broke Cam out of her trance, “You’re as stunning as ever. You have nothing to worry about. Now let’s get going. You have a desk to sit at and look pretty all day while _I_ do the heavy lifting,” Cam rolled her eyes, but appreciated the gesture nonetheless. “And Noonan wants to see you first thing,” With that, he flashed Cam a goofy smile and jumped out of the car.

* * *

The bullet wound on Cam’s calf healed as nice as she could’ve hoped for. The scar left was about the size of an American dime, but like the scars on her face, it too was pink and raised. It wasn’t entirely too noticeable, but with her attire today, it was on full display.

Cam’s black oxford heels clicked on the floors, echoing off of every surface. It, for whatever reason heeled shoes did, gave her confidence. Made her feel like she did before the assassination attempt on her life.

Cam stopped a few doors down from Ambassador Noonan’s office and took a deep breath.

“I have it from here. Thank you for the ride,” She gave Javier her brightest smile and confidently stepped her way to Noonan’s secretary, Tracy.

“Welcome back!” The young woman looked genuinely happy to see Cam as she stood from her desk and rounded it to pull Cam into a firm but gentle hug.

“Thank you. It’s good to finally be on my feet again,” The women pulled away and Tracy rounded the desk once more to sit dutifully.

“I can only imagine. I know you’re probably tired of hearing it, but I just wanted to give you my deepest condolences. Nick was a good man, and a good agent.” Cam’s genuine smile dropped into a more forced reaction. “I hope you got the flowers the Ambassador sent,”

“I did! Thank you, it was very kind,” The young secretary gasped as if she had just remembered something.

“Oh, don’t let me keep you. Ambassador Noonan will see you right away,”

“Thank you, Tracy,” Tight lipped, Cam brushed passed Tracy and opened the door to the Ambassador’s office. The door clicked shut behind her.

* * *

_Desk Duty_

Cam knew this was going to happen, even prepared herself mentally for it, but it still didn’t make the prospect any better. Clicking her way down the hall, she turned into the bullpen.

“Hey!” A chorus of men shouted as Cam entered the room. A round of applause followed, causing Cam to blush furiously. Cam’s eyes caught Javier’s. His arms were crossed over his chest while he lounged on the corner of his desk. Javi’s trademarked tilt of his lips made her smile in response.

“Alright! Alright! Settle down!” Cam shouted over the raucous agents. She set her purse on top of her desk, eyes purposefully glazing over Nick’s desk. She didn’t have the courage to meet this staunch reality quite yet.

A massive, circular cake caught Cam’s eye as it was perched my her name plate.

“Anything for you animals to have cake at seven in the morning, huh?” She shook her head as laughs sounded from the men. Cam read the Spanish words made of red icing ‘ _More lives than a pussycat_ ’. “Come on,” Cam groaned, looking directly at Rodriguez who shrank down to hide behind one of the half wall barriers in the room. Definitely the culprit. “Don’t wait on me. Come get it,” The men practically trampled each other at the prospect of free cake. Ridiculous.

Cam moved the cake over to an empty desk in the corner of the room so they wouldn’t crowd around her as they were sure to devour it on the spot.

One by one, and groups of two and three agents all came over to her to welcome Cam back into the thick of things. It felt good to be somewhere that wasn’t her lonely apartment or a doctor’s office. The thought of the doctor’s office triggered something in Cam’s brain and the forbidden skin under her cast started to itch something fierce. Her casted hand tried to make a fist to alleviate the temptation and when that didn’t work, she looked for a distraction. 

Cam took a second to look down at her desk. Everything was as it was the day she went out on the stakeout with Nick. Her typewriter still had half a report that she intended on finishing the next morning. That clearly didn’t happen. The small potted plant on the corner of her desk was still alive, miraculously.

“Tracy made sure to water it,” Javi’s voice broke Cam out of her thoughts. She turned to look at him, noticing someone tailing next to him. Tall, blond, blue eyes, _city hick_. This must’ve been Javier’s new partner. “Cam this is Steve Murphy. Murphy, this is Agent Cam Reyes.” Steve’s eyes widened as he held his hand out.

“Agent Reyes,” Steve sputtered as Cam shook his hand _firmly_. “You’re uh…not what I expected,”

“And what were you expecting?” Cam asked, a predatory look in her eyes that Javier was far too familiar with. She was trying to Murphy up.

“A uh,” Cam nodded in encouragement. Steve merely gave her a once over as an explanation, “He,”

“Uh huh,” Cam furrowed her brows and gave a small lick to the left corner of her Carmex’d lips.

“My condolences,” Steve finally got out, trying to change the subject to something he was more familiar with.

“Thank you,” Cam’s tone stayed the same, though she let her hackles rest from attack mode.

“From what I read of the report, you are very lucky,” Cam barked out a laugh.

“Lucky? The last thing I saw before leaving this God forsaken planet was the beautiful clear blue skies of Bogotá. Tranquil, peaceful. Now imagine how pissed off I was to wake up in a Colombian hospital two weeks later with this fucking guy,” Cam motioned to Javier with her thumb, then made a motion with her index and middle finger between her eyes and Javier’s, “-staring at me like I sprouted six goddamn heads during my resurrection. So if that’s what you call luck…I have many fears for you in this country,” Cam raised an eyebrow in challenge. Stress radiated off of Steve in waves, not knowing how to respond. Men he could deal with. Women?…not so much.

“She’s fucking with you, _gringo_ ,” Javier finally cracked. Cam gave Steve a small grin, letting him know that she truly was just messing with him. “You’d know if she didn’t like you. Believe me,” He muttered the last part, mostly to himself. Steve’s shoulders relaxed, though his eyes were still weary.

“He’s partially right. I am fucking pissed that I’m still here, but I don’t have a reason to dislike you. Yet.” Cam confirmed, the honesty shocking Murphy. “Welcome to the team, Steve. Have some cake.” With that, Cam turned and sat at her desk to get ready for what was going to be a brutal day. She could feel it.

* * *

Cam knew this wasn’t a punishment. She knew that was just until she was physically ready to get back into the field, but God help anyone who could go more than a few hours at a time typing reports. Cam couldn’t help but let her ego feel a little bruising, even if she was the only one who saw it that way. She was a veteran agent. She’s been with the DEA since it’s inception, and the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs before that. Nearly fifteen years of experience and she was a designated pencil pusher. She shook her head and paused when she looked at the desk across from her’s. Cam’s complaints felt like ash on her tongue.

Seeing the empty space where Nick should’ve been hurt like hell, more than she thought it would. And as much as Cam tried to push every thought of him out of her mind -not because she didn’t _want_ to think about Nick, but because she _couldn’t_ think about Nick while she was at work lest she fall apart at the seams.

The desk that was jointed in front of her’s was almost too much.

* * *

“It’s only day one and I want to bash my face against that typewriter,” Cam stated as Javier walked with her up the outside stairs and into the apartment building.

“You’ll be fine,” Cam glared at the side of his head. Their door were feet apart down the same corridor, her’s first, and his at the end of the hall. “Hey, before you go…I’m meeting someone for drinks later,” Cam’s face morphed into one of confusion.

“…Okay?”

“I’m going to pick you up in an hour,”

“No you’re not. My feet are killing me and I’m incredibly sore. You know, from getting shot thirteen times.” Javier hissed through his teeth at her response.

“Camelita, I need you to go with me.”

“Take Murphy,”

“Murphy isn’t going to have the type of…persuasion that you do…”

“I’m not fucking anyone for information, you freak,” Cam rolled her eyes and unlocked her door.

“No, no! Not like it would be the first time,” Cam punched Javi in the chest, making him hiss and rub the spot. “Having you there will make the information I’m looking for a little easier to get…”

“So…dress sexy is what you’re telling me,”

“Dress… _feminine_ ,”

“Is this not feminine?” Cam gestured to her outfit. The things that pencil skirt did to Cam’s silhouette was the definition of sexy…feminine…. _soft._

“Not _that_ kind of feminine,” 

“Then like…one of your girls?”

“ _Not_ like one of the girls,” Javi responded quickly with a point of his finger, purposefully leaving out the ‘my’ that Cam added as a jab.

“Well if you told me who we were meeting, I’d know whether I needed to look like _a whore_ or _a nun_ ,” With that, Cam walked into her apartment, but stopped just before she closed the door. “I’ll be ready in an hour,” Javier gave her one of his pensive looks, then nodded slowly.

Maybe he should’ve done this solo.


	4. Lazarus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Italics" = Spanish 
> 
> First: this has been my favorite chapter to write thus far, and the longest at nearly 4,200 words! 
> 
> Second: I had to fix the timeline in part one and two because ya girl got VERY confused about what was happening when in the show. So after some researching, I’ve got it all settled. The hit takes place in late November 1986, Cam’s recovery the hospital in December 1986. Cam’s recovery takes place from December 1986 to late February 1987 just after Murphy transfers to Bogotá in 1987 and she returns to work in early March 1987.
> 
> You wouldn’t believe what kind of Swiss cheese my brain turned into to figure this out, ha!
> 
> Thank you all for reading. The joy I’m getting out of writing this story is something I haven’t really felt in a long time, so I’d say this is very therapeutic. 
> 
> Anyway, please leave some comments if you are enjoying it!

Javier could hear the faint sounds of David Bowie coming from Cam’s apartment as he stood outside her door. He, honest to God, could not understand how she could listen to him, but the musician was one of her favorites. 

Javi knocked three times, loud enough for Cam to hear over the record. Moments later, the music cut off and Cam was at the door. Her dark hair was up in big rollers, her makeup halfway done. Still, Javi thought, she was beautiful. 

“Come on in. I need a few more minutes,” Javier followed after her, absent minded my closing the door behind him. His attention was on Cam’s lower half as she walked in front of him. That denim was a sin. 

The stylish high waisted bell bottoms hugged Cam’s curves, accentuating her...

Javier blinked and saw that Cam was watching him, unimpressed. She rolled her eyes. 

“We are actually meeting someone, right?” She asked, more unsure by the minute.

“Why? A night out with me not good enough?” He responded playfully. Cam blinked. 

“Do you really want the answer to that?” Cam smiled at Javi and stopped at the record player in the living room to turn it back on before she continued her way to the bedroom to finish getting ready. She could hear Javi groan as she shut the door almost completely, cutting off the free show Javi thought he was going to get. 

* * *

“ _You’re late,_ ” A familiar voice stated simply as Javier and Cam were sat at a table in the crowded bar. Javier pulled Cam’s chair out and gently pushed it in when she sat. 

“ _We would’ve been even later if I hadn’t dragged her away from the mirror_ ,” Javier complained.

“ _Forgive me for wanting to have pride in my appearance for the first time in nearly four months, cabrón._ _If I had known_ _ **who**_ _we were meeting,_ ” Cam sent a short glare to Javier, then turned her attention back to Horacio Carrillo in front of her, “ _I wouldn’t have kept him waiting_ ,” She finished with a smile. The Reyes charm was turned to 100% as she batted her mascara fluffed lashes. 

Cam turned to Javier, with an expectant look on her face. He had a cigarette clenched between his lips and he was bringing a lighter up to meet it, but stopped mid action when she spoke.

“ _Why don’t you go start us a tab? I’ll take a beer_ ,” Javier’s brows furrowed in confusion. “ _You want another drink?_ ” She looked back to Carrillo, who let the corner of his mouth lift just slightly knowing his answer would grind Javier Peña’s gears. 

“ _Whiskey_ ,” Javier held a blank expression, but jumped when Cam gave his thigh a pinch. 

“ _Okay, okay. Jesus Christ,_ ” Javier let a heavy sigh flow from his nostrils, clearly irritated because this was NOT what this meeting was about. He tossed the cigarette and lighter onto the table. His chair made a screech as he pushed it back, giving Cam and Carrillo a glowering look each before setting off to the bar.

“ _Thank you,_ ” Cam replied, sweetly with a wink. When Javier was a few tables away from the pair, Cam turned back to see Horacio already watching her. 

“ _I’m glad to see_ y _ou’ve recovered well_ ,” Horacio’s hard gaze softened just enough for Cam to see. She nodded with a bashful smile. She picked at the skin between her thumb and index finger that was surrounded by the off-white cast. It was a habit she picked up since she left the hospital. “ _You look good,_ ” The compliment was a little lopsided, considering he didn’t give them often…to anyone.

“ _I wanted to thank you again for taking time out of your busy schedule to come see little old me when I was at Saint Gabriel’s. It helped,_ ” Horacio let an actual smile slip long enough for Cam to see it, to let her know it genuinely was for her.

Javier watched the spectacle from his spot leaning on the bar as the bartender prepared the drinks. Seeing the real smile on Cam’s face was…ringing alarm bells in his head. He knew that the attraction from both sides was a thing, he’d experienced it with other meetings involving the two -mostly shameless flirting from Cam’s side- but Carrillo had never been so brazen in public that Javier had seen. On second thought, maybe ‘brazen’ wasn’t the correct word. _Forward_ fit better, but even then it seemed a little extreme. Horacio wasn’t _forward_ with anyone in public. Javier shivered at the thought.

When he saw the smile directed _at_ Cam, his blood began to simmer just the slightest bit. It was one thing for Cam to flirt, she did it naturally, but to see it reciprocated…Javier had to release his hands from the white knuckle grip they had on the edge of the bar before he blew a gasket and embarrassed himself.

“ _Have you heard anything?_ ” Horacio shook his head lightly, swigging back the last of his drink. He held the tumbler in his hand, tapping it against the table a few times before setting it down completely. “ _He said you’ve kept your ear to the ground,_ ” Cam motioned to Javier, who quickly moved to look at the bartender to make it look like he definitely wasn’t just staring. It was a few days after Horacio’s visit at the hospital when Javier told her he had enlisted Carrillo’s help. 

“ _It’s been quiet,_ ” Horatio started, upset that he didn’t have more to give her. “ _We’ve picked up a few low-levels, but they’re tight lipped. I have a feeling that whoever contracted the hit wasn’t satisfied with the results._ ” While the implication of the hitmen getting what they had coming to them, the thought almost disappointed Cam. There was, and might always be, a part of her that harbored a want for revenge. To get her own hands around those bastard’s necks and watch the life fade from their eyes as she squeezed. They were going to die regardless, and if they were already rotting face down in a ditch somewhere in the wilds of Colombia, then good riddance.

Horacio opened his pack of cigarettes, offering one to Cam -which she politely declined. Cam watched the natural flex of Horacio’s arm as he brought the declined cigarette to his lips, eyes still focused on her. Cam was…mesmerized. The man could wear a paper bag and she’d have the same reaction, but those short sleeved polo’s? She felt herself getting a little hot under the collar. 

Javier cleared his throat to bring Cam back to planet Earth before setting the bottle of beer in front of her and nearly tossing the finger of whiskey onto the table with a little more aggression than was necessary towards Carrillo. 

Horacio was definitely enjoying the wind up without having to do anything to get there with Peña. 

“ _Thank you,_ ” Cam spoke to Javier, who slumped in his chair and glared openly at Carrillo. She gave Javi’s leg a kick under the table as he brought his drink to his mouth. “ _No one’s talking,_ ” She told Javier and took a drink from the wet bottle. She wasn’t a big drinker and while beer wasn’t to Cam’s tastes, it was a hell of a lot safer for her than a finger of whiskey, so she wasn’t going to complain. Javi nodded absentmindedly. 

“ _So you have nothing?_ ” Javier asked boldly. Carrillo’s steely gaze returned as his eyes moved to look at Javier. 

“ _On my end, no, but there have been whispers. Nothing solid, so I can’t spare the resources just yet,_ ” Carrillo stated, taking a mouthful of whiskey without breaking eye contact with Javier. If Cam didn’t know better, it almost felt like she was in the middle of the world’s weirdest pissing contest. 

The sound of Carrillo’s sat phone broke whatever was happening between the two men and Carrillo stood to walk outside so he could hear over the noise of the bar. 

“What the hell was that?” Cam whispered angrily to Javier in English. He shrugged like nothing happened.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Javier lit the cigarette he left on the table, taking a deep inhale. 

“He is doing us a favor-” Carrillo made his way back to the table, phone nestled to his ear. 

“ _Are you sure?_ ” He mumbled as he sat back down. “ _Alright,_ ” With that, he ended the call. He looked at Javier who blew smoke in his direction and flicked the spent ash into the ashtray. “ _Trujillo just picked up a man,_ ” Cam raised a brow in question. Carrillo brought his drink to his mouth. “ _Your man,_ ” He said, downing the rest of the drink. Cam nearly choked on the beer she had in her mouth. “ _You ready to do this tonight?_ ”

Cam shot the rest of her beer back.

“We’ll follow you,” Cam offered. Horacio nodded to her before standing and grabbing his jacket from the back of his chair.

“ _Sticking me with the bill, cabrón?_ ” Javier called to Carrillo. Cam swore she saw the shadow of amusement in the look he shot Javier before he grabbed a handful of nuts from the bowl in the middle of the table. He shot Cam a nod and then he was on his way. 

“ _Cheap son of a bitch_ ,” Cam turned to Javier, a shit-eating grin splitting her face in two.

“I don’t know, Javier. I think he’s kinda _dreamy,_ ” She said as she craned her head to watch him leave.

* * *

The ride behind Carrillo was silent. Cam was stewing in her own brain while Javier tried to keep his eyes simultaneously on the road and on the woman beside him. 

“Thank you,” Cam’s voice held a rasp to it.

“For what?” Javier’s eyes shifted from the road to Cam.

“I know you have a weird relationship with Carrillo, but I appreciate you going to him for help.” Javier sighed at Cam’s explanation.

“Nick was my friend, too, Cam.” Javi simply stated. Cam never stopped to think that Javier mourned for her partner. “And after seeing what those bastards did to you? They were on borrowed time.” 

Cam held her hand out on the seat between them, an olive branch per se. Without a second thought, Javier rested his hand over her’s, squeezing it.

“If things get to be too much-”

“If it’s really him, I’m not leaving until this is finished.” The finality in Cam’s tone caused a small, almost nonexistent alarm to go off in Javi’s brain. It was just enough to be a nagging feeling. What was going to take place tonight would be something most people could not return from mentally.

* * *

Carrillo pulled up to a nondescript building with Javier pulling up beside him. The building looked dark, abandoned from the outside. Cam was out of the car before Javi even put it in park.

Carrillo was silent as he led Cam and Javier into the building. It was dimly lit, but definitely abandoned. 

“ _If you’re able to ID him, then I’ll give you a few minutes to do what you will._ ” Cam nodded, eyes focused ahead of her. Carrillo led them down a flight of stairs to a dank basement. Moonlight from the ground windows lit the room along with a few electric lanterns. 

The man, beaten and bleeding from the side of his head, lifted his face to look at the trio who entered. He was breathing heavily and his body was trembling from the position he was contorted in on the floor. 

The man was sitting on his knees shirtless. His ankles were cuffed together, and his wrists were cuffed behind his back. Both sets of cuffs were then connected together and Cam knew he was in pain. 

Good.

“ _This him?_ ” Carrillo verified. Cam nodded. His name wasn’t mentioned, and all three knew Cam didn’t _need_ to know. The flashback of his face on the back of that motorcycle, uzi pointed at their vehicle was all the confirmation needed for Cam to know for certain that this was him.

“ _Stand by,_ ” Carrillo announced, nodding to his men to leave. They filed out of the basement in quick time, but Cam never took her eyes off of the man on the floor. 

Carrillo moved back to stand in the shadows sand Javier stayed put, watching Cam like a hawk. 

The cork wedges that Cam wore clicked on the cement floor with each calculated step she took. She looked like a predator that found a rabbit in a snare. 

The man’s eyes sparked in recognition. He knew exactly who she was. 

Cam squatted down to his level. 

“ _You better start talking_ ,” She warned, “ _And fast_ ,”

“ _I don’t know what you’re talking about!_ ” He shouted in desperation. 

“ _Wrong answer_ ,” Cam said plainly, and punched him in the gut. The man groaned and wheezed, trying to roll over to his side, but Cam caught him before gravity took him. “ _No, no, no_ ,” She tsk’d. The hand in the cast held his chin so he looked at her. 

“ _Who put the hit out on the two DEA agents back in November? Huh?_ ” She held him in place with her injured hand and gave another firm punch. The man wheezed, spit flying from his mouth as he tried to breathe. “ _Who put it out?!_ ” Cam shouted in his face. 

“ _I’m not telling you shit, puta! He’ll kill me! He’ll kill my family!_ ”

“ _I’m going to eat your fucking mother and make you watch if you don’t start talking, you piece of shit,_ ” Cam growled and Javier’s eyes widened. The man was scared, Cam could see it in his eyes, but he wasn’t talking. She nodded and stood back up. 

Cam turned her head to Carrillo. 

“Knife?” She asked in English. He reached into his boot and tossed the folded weapon to Cam. She unfolded it and kneeled back down. 

“ _Left or right?_ ” She asked the man flicking the knife in the appropriate directions. He was confused. “ _Left,_ ” She stated more firmly, “ _or right?_ ”

“ _Please,_ ” he begged, his eyes never leaving the glinting blade in her hand. 

Javier watched the scene with his arms crossed. He knew what was going to happen down here. He’d seen it so many times before. The Colonel could be a brutal man, but Cam’s wrath was almost a match. Javier hadn’t ever seen the darkness that entered her eyes when they stepped into that basement, and it worried him. 

“ _I’m giving you a choice. You can pick which eye you want to lose first._ ” Cam tapped his cheek, just under his left eye. He winced in fear. “ _Whoever paid you won’t be as kind once they know you’ve spoken to us,_ ” She pushed the tip into his skin, not quite breaking the surface. “ _And they_ _ **will**_ _know,_ ” The man clenched his eyes shut and started to take quick, sharp breaths in panic. 

“ _Fine, I’ll start with the left,_ ” Cam shrugged and stood to gain leverage. The man started screaming and squirming as Cam tried to hold him steady. Carrillo appeared in her peripheral vision and stood behind the man, yanking his head back by his curly hair. 

Cam advanced like she was actually going to dig his eyeball out of his skull. Javier didn’t know if she’d actually do it, but the fact that he questioned it was alarming enough for him. He almost jumped in to drag Cam off, but she had a weapon and was clearly volatile. 

“ _Start talking you sack of shit or I’m popping the motherfucker out!_ ” Cam shouted. The tip of the blade inched closer and closer and his screams got higher and higher pitched. The man cracked with mere centimeters to spare. 

“ _There’s a bounty!_ ” He screamed. 

“ _What kind of bounty?_ ” She demanded.

“ _$350,000 for every DEA agent taken out!_ ” He gave easily. It was like all of the air was sucked from the room in an instant. Javier’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped just the slightest bit. Cam pulled the middle of her bottom lip between her teeth. 

“ _Who put the bounty?_ ” Cam was inches from the trembling man’s face. His eyes were pleading with her.

“ _You know who_ ,” the man said. Infuriated, Cam closed the knife and nodded to Carrillo to drop him. She handed the knife back to him. 

Cam heard Carrillo retreat upstairs to give her the few minutes he promised, leaving just Javier to watch. 

“ _Extradition for you would be a gift,_ ” there was a mere glimpse of hope in the man’s eyes, “ _It’s just too bad that you’re so incredibly low in the pecking order that your existence is a mere speck of dust to the American Government._ ” Cam kicked him square in the chest and he fell over onto his back, gasping. She heard a cracking sound and knew something had dislocated. She couldn’t be bothered to care. 

Cam straddled the man’s chest and sat, causing him to scream in pain. She shifted her weight purposefully, hearing more cracks as bones broke and joints popped out of place. The man’s voice was raw as he begged for mercy. Mercy that neither she nor Nick were shown. 

Cam held his face in her injured hand once more and made sure he was listening to her. 

“ _That agent you killed was my partner. I was the passenger._ ” The man tried to wiggle his head out of her hand, but Cam just made her grip more bruising. “That man had a wife, a child on the way.” Cam landed a hit directly to his face with her fist. The man’s nose shattered and blood gushed from the wound.

Seeing Cam in such a blind rage had Javier cemented to the floor. The raw agony in her voice was nearly too much for him.

“ _He had a life._ ” She growled in a low tone. So low that Javier didn’t pick up on it. “ _He had purpose and you snubbed it out like he was_ _ **nothing**_ _._ ” She landed hit after hit until she was out of breath. At some point Cam’s hands wrapped around his neck, squeezing as hard as she possibly could. His eyes bulged and vessels within them burst from the pressure. Fortunate for him, the hand that was encased in the cast was not cooperating. Cam’s teeth gnashed together in irritation.

With a guttural shout, Cam bashed the bit of cast that was up her forearm once, twice, and a final third time against the man’s face. 

Teeth fragments scattered across the floor.

A white hot pain erupted in Cam’s arm and it only caused the sadness, frustration, guilt, and anger that had been bottled up to push to the surface at lightning speed. 

The pain was secondary. 

The man coughed, sputtering and gasping through the blood that poured from his mouth. Cam’s good hand grabbed the hair on the back of his head to bring his attention back in her. He made a pitiful gurgling noise, but his fluttering eyes were looking at her. 

“ _You are going to die in this basement like the roach that you are.”_ Her voice was barely above a whisper, but the words were full of force. _“I’m going to make sure everyone you ever cared about will never know what happened to you. They’ll always know in the backs of their head that you’re dead, but they’ll wonder where your body is rotting. If the flies are feasting on your body, laying their eggs in your eye sockets._ ” Spittle flew from her mouth. 

He was crying, babbling incoherent words. 

Cam wanted, with every fibre of her being, to kill this man. She wanted to gouge his eyes out with her bare hands. She wanted revenge for Nick. For his family. She wanted it for herself. Blood was rushing through Cam’s ears, muffling any noise. Her breathing was staggered as she stared down. 

Taking a few deep breaths, Cam released her grip on the man and let him fall completely to the floor in a pool of blood barely conscious, but still alive. 

She couldn’t do it. She was almost _disappointed_ in herself.

Cam’s body started to shake as the adrenaline started to wear off. She stood, one leg on either side of the broken man below her, and spat on him. 

She didn’t look at Javier as she quickly passed him and started up the stairs. 

“Cam,” He call out to her, but she didn’t stop. If anything, that seemed to propel her even faster. “Camille,” He called once more as she made it to the top of the stairs, turned left and disappeared out of his line of sight. 

Carrillo and his men were stationed near the from of the building, armed to the teeth and keeping watch out of the windows. Horacio started walking towards Cam when he caught sight of her, but she quickly brushed past him to the door. Carrillo made eye contact with Javier as he tried to catch up with her. Javier nodded to Carrillo, letting him know their business was done. Search Bloc could deal with him. 

The Colonel motioned to Trujillo who nodded and started down the staircase. 

Outside, Cam yanked the passenger door of Javier’s little government issued SUV open and pulled her purse out from under the passenger seat. When he finally caught up with Cam, he stopped a few feet away. 

The front of Cam’s jeans was speckled with blood, her flowing top covered in it. The off-white cast had coagulating blood and _fragments_ stuck to it. Javier was sure her knuckles were raw underneath the blood. Her hair, that she took a year to style and made them late to begin with, was wild. 

Cam started digging through her purse like a madwoman, throwing items on the seat until she nearly screamed in frustration when she couldn’t find what she was looking for. 

“Do you have a fucking cigarette?” The edge to her voice was sharper than Carrillo’s knife and again, he was stunned. She kept digging in her purse, knowing she wasn’t going to find anything, but her manic behavior was still ongoing. 

Never in the years Javier had known Cam had he ever seen her so...frantic. 

“Javi!” She broke him from his thoughts. He blindly felt around the pockets of his leather jacket until he produced his pack and a lighter. He brought the cigarette to his mouth and lit it before handing it to her. Cam nearly snatched it from his hand with trembling fingers. 

Cam took deep inhales and leaned her back against the open door, willing the nicotine to do its job. When she nearly smoked most of the cigarette with four heavy puffs, she turned and started shoving the items back in her purse absentmindedly. 

“Cam,” Javier took a few hesitant steps towards Cam. When he got close enough, he reached out to grab Cam’s arm softly, stopping her movement. “Let’s go home, hm?” Cam flinched with a single gun shot came from inside the building. Javier sighed and took the nearly spent cigarette from her trembling fingers and tossed it into the street. He helped her climb into the vehicle, closing the door behind her. 

Javier glance towards the building, catching Carrillo standing in the doorway looking in his direction. He nodded once more and hopped in. 

* * *

The stark contrast to how she looked when Javier picked Cam up earlier in the night to what she looked like in the passenger seat was astonishing. Javier didn’t intend for this to happen tonight, just a meeting with Carrillo to keep communications open, and to show Cam that they really were working to find out why Nick and Cam were targeted. The night got out of hand and Javier couldn’t help but feel like he was responsible. 

“I thought I’d feel some kind of gratification,” Cam’s voice was raspy as she held her cast to her chest. “I’ve thought about this every day since I woke up in the hospital. I thought it would…make some of the guilt disappear,” Cam was looking out of the passenger window at the passing streetlights as she spoke. “But his death won’t change anything. He was no one and his death means nothing. Somehow that makes it feel even worse than it did before.” Cam rested the side of her head against the cool window and closed her eyes. 

If only he had taken his own advice to meet up with Carrillo alone. 

* * *

Cam kicked off her shoes when she got into the SUV and Javier carried them as he followed Cam into the apartment building. She absentmindedly dug into her purse to grab her keys as Javier continued to watch her every move. 

Cam fumbled with the keys, but successfully opened the door on her second try. Without a second thought, she walked in and shut the door softly behind her. 

Javier stood, looking at the closed door with Cam’s shoes still in his hands. His heart shattered into a million tiny pieces when he heard her sob reverberate from the apartment.


	5. Unaware I'm Tearing You Asunder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Dialogue Italics" = Spanish
> 
> Thank you so much for all of the feedback! 
> 
> Time to spiral with Cam and Javi. All aboard the Dumb Bitch Express chooo choooooo

Cam made it mere steps into her apartment before her legs gave out. She collapsed to the floor with a wail that she couldn’t control. What started last November had finally come full circle months later, though if anything, it only caused more trauma to someone who hadn’t fully healed mentally or physically the first time around.

Cam’s mind felt like it was sucked into an unforgiving vortex, throwing her back and forth without mercy. Her face was pressed down into the runner that lined her long entryway, muffling her sobs and absorbing the flow of tears.

* * *

Cam didn’t sleep that night and it was evident on her face when she finally got up off the floor as the sun was rising. Her body felt heavy, like a cinderblock sinking to the bottom of the ocean.Her hazel eyes were bloodshot, the skin around them pink and dry. Dried tear tracks were crusted down her face and she just looked _tired_. She couldn’t go into work like this.

A pain shot up her left arm when she tried to move it.

“Shit,” Cam hissed, holding the blood-stained cast to her stomach. It was then that she noticed the state the knuckles on her right hand were in. The middle one was split, dried blood coating her hand. Cam imagined it was a mix of the sicario’s and her’s. Each knuckle had a ring of purple surrounding it and it hurt to extend her fingers. Cam sighed. She’d have to get that looked at.

Her watch showed 5:48am. She needed to give Noonan a call soon.

* * *

Cam could tell that Ambassador Noonan had some questions that she didn’t ask outright when Cam fed her a story about falling in the shower and needing to get her arm checked. Cam assured her that she’d be in the office after her stop at the hospital, to which Noonan appreciated -so long as she was fit to come back.

Noonan also let Cam know that an agent would be dropping off a replacement vehicle for her to get around in at 7. ‘ _I can only imagine the toll relying on Peña has taken on you.'_ She explained.

* * *

At 6:30 on the dot, a set of three knocks echoed through Cam’s apartment. She sighed, knowing who was on the other end and didn’t want to deal with it at this particular moment. Cam didn’t move from her spot leaning against the kitchen counter with her cup of coffee until another set of knocks sounded, growing more urgent the longer she left it.

“Cam?” Javier’s voice was muffled as he tried not to yell too loudly and wake up the neighbors. “Please open the door,” Cam set her coffee mug down with a ‘clink’ and trudged to the door. She unlocked the handle lock and the deadbolt, but left the chain lock in place so the door would only open a few inches. She opened it to let him know she was still alive, but didn’t let him see her face. “Open it all the way, Cam,”

“I’m going into work later. Thanks for the ride, though,” Cam mumbled out, then began to shut the door, but was blocked by Javier’s hand.

“Don’t do this,” He begged. Cam was silent so he continued. “You don’t have to do this alone. I know what losing someone like this feels like, Cam. I’ve been through it. I know it’s eating you up on the inside, and it has been. You try to hide it, but I _know_. I want to help you, but you need to let me in,” Javier pleaded. “Please, just talk to me.”

Cam shifted over so one eye could peek through the crack to look at Javier, who looked like he got just as much sleep as she did. If the visible sliver of Cam’s face was anything to go off of, Javier knew she was worse off than he could even imagine.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Her words were cracked and rasped, worse than they were the previous night on the drive back. Javier let the arm holding the door open slump down to his side as Cam softly shut the door on him once more. He heard the locks click back into place and ground the palms of his hands into his eyes, then dragged his hands down his face in distress.

* * *

A rookie agent dropped a set of keys at Cam’s door at 7 sharp. By then she had already showered and dressed for the day. The disgusting rust colored stains on the once white cast were nauseating to look at on the silent drive to the hospital.

* * *

“ _I have some good news, and some bad news_ ,” Doctor Jaime Hernandez spoke as he came into the room, flipping through papers on a clipboard. He had Cam’s x-rays wedged under the pit of his white coat and walked over to the screen. Dr. Jaime set the clipboard down on the table next to him then clipped the x-rays up and turned the light switch on to illuminate them. “ _Good news is that your hand has healed wonderfully. Everything is back to where it should be. Bad news is, you do have a small hairline fracture to your ulna_ ,”

Visions of Cam bashing her cast against the sicario’s face caused sweat to form on the back of her neck. She blinked a few times to clear the memory.

Dr. Jaime pointed at the small crack in her bone on the x-ray with the tip of his pen. He then went over to Cam and dragged his pen in a small circle around the area on her arm. “ _Fortunately for you, you only have about a week left of this cast according to your charts, but by the looks of it, I think we can do an early retirement for it if you agree to use a sling for the next couple of weeks so you don’t put any excess stress on the fracture._ ” Cam agreed. She couldn’t look at the blood stains a second longer than she had to.

“ _I’d appreciate it_ ,” She spoke. Anytime she was in here, he never asked any more questions than were necessary. He knew who she was, he new what she did, and he kept his integrity by never speaking a word to anyone. Cam was merely a patient and nothing more. He nodded kindly and left the room to grab a nurse to assist him.

Luckily, she didn’t break or fracture anything in her right hand, so she just waved the doctor off when he offered to wrap the wounds in gauze for the time being. He then began the process of removing her current cast, no questions asked about the stains, and cleaned the pruned skin underneath.

* * *

Cam left the hospital with her arm in a sling, but cast-less. when she got in her car she immediately untangled herself from the sling and threw it onto the passenger seat with disdain.

Her arm felt weird without the cast on it. The muscles and joints felt weak from lack of movement, and the through and through scar right in the middle of her hand made her eye twitch.

Feeling the warm air hit her skin directly was so foreign, it was almost enjoyable. Cam tested out her grip on the steering wheel. Her joints cracked and she felt a twinge shoot up her arm.

She’d definitely have to take it easy.

* * *

Cam rolled in to the embassy at nearly 10 that morning, but late was better than not coming in at all. She set her purse and the coffee she picked up from a cafe a few blocks from the embassy that she used to frequent onto her desk and went to Noonan’s office to see if she needed anything prioritized.

“Good morning, Agent Reyes,” Tracy greeted.

“Good morning,” Cam’s usual greeting to the secretary was lackluster, but Tracy didn’t question it. She merely looked at her scheduling book.

“Ambassador Noonan doesn’t have another meeting until 10:45 if you’re here for her,” Tracy offered. Cam nodded with a tight, polite grin, and opened Noonan’s door.

“Glad to see you’ve made it in,” Noonan greeted Cam, gesturing for the agent to take a seat. “The shower, huh.” Noonan said more than asked, motioning to Cam’s purple and inflamed knuckles. A cigarette was hanging between two fingertips, smoke swirling around her. “I’m not going to ask questions so long as what happened isn’t interfering with our operation here,” Noonan’s eyes were hard, unyielding. Cam felt like she was being reprimanded by her mother. She merely nodded. “Do not lie to me again, am I clear?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Cam responded with a visible gulp. There was a slight tension in the room until Noonan spoke once more.

“I see the cast is gone. That must mean good news?” Cam nodded.

“Yeah, it was toast. I only had a week left of it, so the doc just snipped it off.” She definitely wasn’t going to tell Noonan that, if anything, her arm was more injured due to her own stupidity. Noonan stubbed her cigarette out in the amber glass ashtray on her desk.

“So you’re back to normal?”

“As normal as I can be,” Cam fibbed and she had a sense that Noonan saw right through her.

“I still want you in the office until further notice. I have some meetings I’d like you to accompany me for. No running off with Peña during work hours,” Noonan ordered.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Good. There’s a stack of reports near the door that I’d like you to go through and see if anything sticks out. Compile a list of what you think is important. Tracy will set up a meeting with you tomorrow.” That was a dismissal for Cam from the conversation.

Cam stood and grabbed the paperwork on her way out, shutting the door behind her with a click. She dropped the load of papers on her desk, sighing at the work ahead. She figured she’d be here well into the night, but she had her own car again, so it was fine with her.

Cam sat down and started digging through the drawers of her desk. She pulled out a notepad, a highlighter, and a pen so she could get down to work.

* * *

The DEA offices were nearly empty by the time Cam came up for air from the pile of paperwork. The clock on the wall said 12:45pm - _lunch_. That would explain the silence. Her stomach gave a soft rumble, but she didn’t want to leave just yet. There was still so much to go through and so little time to go through it.

Cam already had nearly ten pages in her notebook filled with bullet points, arrows, lines, numbers, everything to clearly keep her notes in order. Most of these papers were reports on the potential campaigns of the future election. Two years seemed like a long time, but getting the funds together to put a successful presidential campaign together took more time than people thought -if you weren’t backed by corruption, that is.

1:30pm rolled around and it felt like four hours to Cam. She wasn’t meant to do this type of tedious work, but if Noonan wanted it done, then she’d do it -if only to stay on her good side. Cam was on thin ice as it was.

“What’s his deal?” Murphy appeared out of thin air and sat on the corner of Cam’s desk, crumpling some papers under his ass.

“Jesus Christ, Murphy! Can you not?” Cam asked indignantly, shooing him off of the stack so she could move them aside. He muttered a brief apology, but by the troubled furrow of his brows, Cam could tell he was agitated.

“So is Peña always an asshole?” Cam sighed, equally as agitated now. Murphy handed her a cup of coffee, identical to the one she had this morning. She took it, confusion coloring her features.

“To me? No. To you, more than likely,” Cam shrugged and took a sip before setting the cup down and continued to highlight and make notes.

“So what’s his problem?” Murphy repeated his previous question. His arms were crossed as he tried to peer down at what Cam was doing. She set her pen down, clearly irritated.

“Have you, I don’t know, _spoken_ to him?”

“I would if he’d give me the chance!” Cam sighed heavily. “He just tells me to mind my own business. I can’t work like this!”

“I don’t know what to tell you. You’re a new agent here and he doesn’t know you. You also stick out like a sore thumb, so I'm sure that's why he doesn't bring you anywhere,”

“He leaves me behind like I’m his kid brother that he doesn’t want tagging along.”

“Well, you're white with blond hair and blue eyes, and you can't speak Spanish, so clearly you can't go undercover. He’s doing you a favor,” Murphy’s arms rose at Cam’s response.

“I can’t believe this,” Murphy rolled his eyes with a groan.

“Javier doesn’t always do things…by the book. If you don’t see something happen, then you aren’t culpable. Very simple.”

“I’m his partner, that means,” Murphy sighed, “Nothing, apparently.” Murphy held a pensive look on his face. Cam picked up the cup of coffee and brought it to her lips. When Murphy’s eyes caught sight of her knuckles, he started putting pieces together.

“I overheard him talking to someone about some sicarios yesterday. Then he wouldn’t answer my calls last night. Now he’s pissed off and MIA. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?” Cam looked him dead in the eyes, took a sip of her coffee, and brought it back down.

“Not a clue,” She deadpanned. Murphy’s lips went into a thin line in frustration. Cam stood and set her coffee down. “Walk with me. I need to take a break.” Murphy walked side by side with Cam through the halls of the Embassy. Other agents passed by with a nod, secretaries scurried between offices, and mail runners went along at a leisurely pace with their carts.

“You want some advice, Murphy?” Murphy and Cam stopped in a secluded hallway. Murphy could tell by the look on Cam’s face that he wasn’t going to like what she had to say. “Before you get tangled up any further into this mess, please take yourself and your wife, and go back to the states. This isn’t Miami. This isn’t the southern border. This shithole is worse than you can possibly wrap your head around. You will lose…more than you can possibly afford to lose, and that’s if you’re not killed in the meantime. I don’t know what motivated you to come to Colombia, but please, if you love your wife, take her home.”

“Escobar put a hit out on my partner, too.” Murphy ground out with his voice lowered in volume. “He was dead before he hit the ground. La Quica got off on bail and fled back to Colombia. That’s why I’m here. To do right by my partner, and his family. I figured you of all people could understand that,” Cam rubbed the bridge of her nose.

“So you get him, then what?” Cam looked up at Murphy expectantly.

“Then he either rots in a ditch or rots in a cell,” Murphy shrugged. "Either way, he's off the streets,"

“It’s not going to make a difference, Murph." Murphy began to shake his head, "You don't want to hear it, but it's the truth. I went after the same thing you're after and it changes nothing. I've done this, Murphy. They’ll still be dead. Their families will still be in mourning, and you’ll still feel empty inside." Murphy could see the sadness in Cam's eyes as she spoke. "I admire your tenacity and your rightful thirst for justice, but coming here was a colossal mistake.” Cam turned and walked back towards the offices. Her heels clicked along the marble floor, fading the further she got down the hall.

Steve stood planted to the floor.

* * *

It was nearly midnight when Cam got home. Her stomach was growling fiercely as she had only consumed four cups of coffee, some water, and nothing else during her shift. As Cam tried to get a grasp on her key, she could hear faint moaning coming from the end of the hall. She quickly opened her door and shut it, hoping to drown out the noise.

Cam kicked off her heels and shrugged off her blazer. Her purse sat next to the door on a little table and she hung up her keys on the little hook above her purse. She could hear a faint, rhythmic knocking coming from her living room wall and decided to bypass the kitchen altogether and just go to bed.

She suddenly didn't feel so hungry anymore.


	6. Desperado

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little forewarning: this chapter does contain dialogue about depression and ptsd. if that is triggering for you, please do not read.

Cam was up before the sun the next morning. She let out a yawn as she scrambled a few eggs in the nonstick skillet on the stove. Cam didn’t really feel hungry, so much as she knew she needed to eat something. The strong scent of coffee permeated the small apartment, giving Cam the gentle wake-up that she needed.

Bob Dylan crooned softly from the record player, just low enough to fill the silence that Cam couldn’t stand.

Cam plated her breakfast and poured a cup of coffee, then sat at the small two person table that was in the corner of the kitchen.

These were the worst times of day for Cam. Her apartment was like an echo-chamber for all of the thoughts that swarmed her brain. Cam felt a twinge in her left hand, a remnant of what she persevered through, but also a constant reminder of what was taken from her.

She got through one bite of egg before setting her fork down.

Thoughts of a transfer back to the states, and thoughts of actually retiring from the force altogether were prominent voices in the back of Cam’s mind. The loneliness she faced day in and day out, the utter isolation felt like it was encroaching on her every time she blinked. Other, darker and insidious thoughts flitted here and there, but Cam batted them away without giving them the time of day. She hadn’t reached that point, and she hoped she never would.

They were still there though, hiding in the shadows. Cam just refused to acknowledge them.

Other thoughts that became prominent were those of Javier, and how she had, more or less, kicked him in his proverbial nuts yesterday. He didn’t deserve the way she had treated him, regardless of what mental problems she was going through. He extended an olive branch and she essentially snapped it in half right in front of him and tossed the pieces at his feet.

She wouldn’t be surprised if he dropped her altogether. Cam wouldn’t blame him. This change in her typically easy-going personality had been detrimental to her personal relationships and she was seeing that now, but…letting someone -Javier especially-in to see just how far she had fallen was the last thing she wanted to do, bar getting shot again.

Cam was one of the first agents Javi met when he transferred to Bogotá in ‘82 that he found common ground with. Cam being a young, attractive, female agent were obviously why he initially stuck around her in the beginning, but they began to grow a budding friendship.

Cam’s first partner, Max Sanchez, had transferred out of Bogotá that summer of ‘82 back to the states because he was expecting his second kid and his wife gave him an ultimatum to leave Colombia or lose her and their children.

Cam couldn’t blame her. And she definitely didn’t blame him for tucking tail and scurrying back to his wife. Last Cam heard, he was doing well and they were expecting their third child. Cam shuttered at the thought.

_Kids_.

They weren’t even a blip on her radar, not with the life she led. She figured that’s also why she didn’t date outside of the men she knew in the field. Not that Cam dated. _God_ , the more she thought about it the more inadequate she felt.

After Max left, Cam had been given babysitting duty to two of the new agents to the country; Javier and Nick. Being the senior agent between the three, she did her best to get them acclimated. She and Nick obviously clicked, to which she offered him a partnership after a few months. He was ecstatic, and Cam remembered him inviting her to meet Leslie for the first time over dinner at their apartment. Cam remembered how proud Leslie was of Nick. It shined in her eyes and through her smile every time she looked at her then fiancé.

Cam’s heart hurt at the memory.

Javier, on the other hand, had chosen to fly solo, occasionally being the third wheel to Nick and Cam. He distanced himself from her when he realized he couldn’t sweet-talk her into his bed. Cam was definitely interested, but she was even more interested in keeping her status respected amongst her peers.

‘ _Do not shit where you eat_ ’, was a mantra she constantly had going through her head. You don’t fuck your coworkers. Except she did, _eventually_. It was inevitable in Cam’s mind. Javier was…is…a good person. He’s undeniably attractive, he respected her boundaries, and he respected her as an agent.

A night after a big bust called for some drinks, so the three of them went to a bar where Leslie later met them. Cam had…a few too many shots…and ended up in Javier’s bed. The other two times they hooked up, Javier made it abundantly clear that it wouldn’t lead to anything more, much to Cam’s disappointment.

Then came the informants.

It was an open secret within the office that most of his informants were prostitutes. That isn’t what pushed Cam away. She had nothing against the girls. Work was work, and their line of work was the most dangerous in Cam’s eyes. They were seen as the less dead, people no one cared about. But Cam knew they had families, children, friends, lovers. It was Javier that Cam had a problem with. Cam didn’t care if they were sex-workers or just random women he picked up in a bar, she didn’t share with _anyone_. Ultimately, Cam just threw herself back into her work like nothing even happened between the two, and to everyone in the office, it didn’t. No one was the wiser.

Javier was an open book when it came to Cam. He was open and honest when she questioned certain parts of his life. He never lied to her, or tried to stretch the truth. Cam saw him as a genuine friend, and at one point had wanted to be more, but with Javier’s commitment issues and her unwillingness to budge, she ended it before it could even take flight -as much as it hurt to squash whatever feelings that had started to blossom.

There was a part of Cam, albeit microscopic, that couldn’t help but think about how things would’ve turned out had she just…had something casual with him. Her brain told her she was stupid for even contemplating it, but the loneliness in her heart…

Was it because she knew he’d answer if she came knocking? If she threw her inhibitions into the wind and just allowed herself to be comforted by him if only for a little while, she knew he’d do it in a heartbeat. Then they would go back to their separate lives and Cam didn’t think she could handle that emotionally.

Javi had been there for Cam since she woke up in the hospital. He was there to help her through her months long recovery at home, and he woke up hours earlier than he usually did to make sure she got to work. He cared about her, she knew he did, but when Cam put a stop to their trysts the previous summer, she kept him at arm’s length. She had to if she didn’t want to get hurt.

  
That final thought put the nail in the casket that contained any semblance of intimacy between the two for Cam.

As if on queue, the same knocking from last night on her living room wall picked up, faint moans following. Cam’s elbows rested on the edge of the table and her hands held her head.

She couldn’t live like this.

* * *

Cam was the first agent in the DEA offices that morning. That wasn’t an abnormality under regular circumstances, and it wasn’t unusual now. She couldn’t handle the silence of her own apartment, but silence at work was tolerable. At least she could keep her mind busy with paperwork.

The rest of the office rolled in at around seven. Everyone who passed Cam’s desk gave her a warm ‘Good morning’ with the exception of Murphy. He merely gave her a stiff nod and continued on to his desk.

By 7:30, Cam’s desk phone rang with Tracy on the other line to let Cam know Noonan wanted a meeting with her at 8:30 to discuss her findings. Cam couldn’t understand just what Noonan wanted out of her. Although Cam had taken copious amounts of notes, the documents themselves were all pretty benign. Nothing of major importance stuck out.

* * *

Noonan flipped through Cam’s compiled report that she finished typing out minutes before the meeting. She’d be surprised if the ink was even dry.

“So what are your thoughts?” Noonan glanced over the glasses perched on the tip of her nose.

“What’s the context?” Cam asked.

“The next election, though about a year away from campaigning, is coming up. It is in the United States’ best interest to back certain candidates over others. After reading these reports, who would be the candidate?”

“The obvious answer would be Galán,” Cam stated as if she was simply saying the sky was blue.

“Why?”

“To put it simply, he’s a voice of the people. I think the people of Colombia are tired of the violence day in and day out. They’re tired of the corruption. If he makes it to the election cycle, I think he’d be a prime candidate.” Noonan nodded. “I also did a little research on him out of curiosity. He’s clean, surprisingly. No abnormal sources regarding any funding he’s done. He donates to local charities. He’s gone on record to denounce the narcos…”

“I have a meeting with Galán and his advisors tomorrow morning at nine. You will be accompanying me.” Noonan shut the file and handed it back to Cam. Cam held the manilla folder like it would burst into flames at any moment. Cam blinked, realizing that was Noonan’s dismissal from her office.

* * *

Cam felt a little stressed at the thought of that meeting the next morning. She didn’t really know what to expect going in, and the prospect of dealing with politicians was so incredibly unappealing to Cam.

She desperately needed to get back into the field.

“You avoiding me?” Javier asked as he rested against Cam’s desk.

“I’m on the clock. I’m not doing this right now,” Cam didn’t even look up when she addressed Javier. He was leaning on her desk, hands planted flat on the surface, and glowering down at her. Nick’s desk had been removed upon Cam’s request that morning.

“Doesn’t seem to matter if you’re on the clock or not, Cam.” Javier’s tone was short, frustrated that she wouldn’t at least _look_ at him. “When would be a good time for _you_ to hash this out?” Cam dropped her pen to the desk.

“Preferably not surrounded by twenty of my peers. Does that work for you?” Javier’s nostrils flared in anger.

“Get up, we’re going to lunch.” He ordered.

“I’m busy-” Javier ripped the half filled report out of the typewriter, ripping the paper and pulling the internal components out of alignment. Cam’s jaw dropped, her eyes widening at what he had just done.

“Oh look, not busy anymore. Let’s go.” He turned and started walking out of the office, not bothering to look if she was following. Cam closed her eyes and counted down from ten. She bit her lip to stop the tears of frustration from forming.She opened her eyes and looked back down at the typewriter, then up to Murphy’s questioning gaze. Cam merely sighed, opened the bottom desk drawer for her purse, and got up.

* * *

Javier was smoking a cigarette outside by the time she made it out. Cam rushed past him, grabbing her keys from her purse.

“We’re taking my car,” He called to Cam.

“ _We’re_ not taking anything,” She called back. Cam could hear Javier running to catch up with her as she fled down the embassy stairs and to the employee parking lot.

“Stop,” Javier called out to her. Cam tried to unlock the door before he caught up with her, but just as she got the key in the hole, Javier whipped Cam around. “Stop,” He demanded as he held her against the driver door by her shoulders. Cam couldn’t see his eyes behind his dark sunglasses, but she imagined they were wild and his breathing was uneven.

“Get your hands off of me. I’m not going to be embarrassed here more than I already have been, okay? Get your fucking hands off of me,” She growled the last demand. Javier leaned down to Cam’s level.

“We’re going to go for a drive and we’re going to talk about this Cam, whether you want to or not. Now get in.” Javier let Cam go, her face in a hard scowl. She took deep breaths to calm herself. Cam knocked her shoulder with his as she went to the passenger side of the vehicle, slamming the door as she got in.

* * *

“Where are we going?” Cam asked with her arms crossed over her chest defensively.

“Around until you start talking,” Was all Javier said.

“I don’t know what you want from me,” Cam whispered with a shake of her head. Her voice sounded defeated, like all of the fight had left her the second she got in the car.

“I want you to talk to me!” Javier’s voice rose.

“And what would you like me to talk about?” Javier’s frustration was rolling off of him in waves, tension permeating the vehicle.

“I don’t know! What you’re feeling? What’s going on with you? Why you’ve decided to just block me from your life? You’re not eating, you’re clearly not sleeping. You’re working crazy hours. There are a lot of ways we can steer this,” Javier offered.

“You want to talk about my feelings?” The question almost sounded like a dare from Cam, and not a welcomed one at that.

“Talk about anything you want, Cam, but just stop shutting me out!” Javier pulled over to the side of the road and shut the car off.

“Shutting you out? _Shutting you out_? You keep trying to barge through a door that isn’t yours to barge through! You want me to spill my guts out to you, and for what? So that you can feel some sort of intimacy that doesn’t involve getting fucked? Something different than a night you have to pay for?!” Javier felt like he was sitting in a pot that was rapidly heating to a boil, but he took the jabs so long as Cam would just _speak_.

“ _Thank you_ for helping me when I needed it the most.” Cam’s bottom lip trembled and her voice was thick with unshed tears as she sat facing the windshield. Her arms were still crossed over her chest defensively. “ _Thank you_ for staying with me in the hospital. _Thank you_ for doing everything you’ve done for me, but this isn’t something you can help me with, nor is it something that I _want_ your help with.”

“I just want to take care of you,”

“I don’t want you to!” Cam screamed, arms flailing. “I don’t want you to know what kind of depression I’ve sunken into. I don’t want you to know the darkness that’s settled in my every waking thought. I don’t want you to know about the survivor’s guilt I’ve been dealing with day in and day out. I don’t want you to know what I know and look at me the way you’re looking at me now, but worse.” Cam was breathing heavily, her eyes darting everywhere and looking everywhere but at Javier.

“My trauma is just that -mine. If we were together, that’d be one thing, but we aren’t. You don’t get to dig into my brain and tell me that I need to share everything I’m dealing with, only for us to go our separate ways once we leave this car. I don’t _want_ to let you in and then go home alone to sit with everything I’ve let out and _stew_ in it.”

“That’s the point, Cam! I don’t want you to go home alone!” He finally shot back.

“What’s the alternative, Javier? Go home with _you_?” The cynical bark of a laugh that Cam let out made Javier’s lips go into a thin line. Javier knew, deep down, that Cam was only lashing out as a defense mechanism, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

“What’s so wrong with that?” Javier’s voice didn’t hold the bite anymore. Cam had a smirk that was just _mean_.

“I’m sorry, were you not jackhammering someone through my fucking living room wall last night and this morning?”

“That’s not fair. That was-”

“-an informant. I don’t _care_.” Cam sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Look, you live your life the way that you do -and that’s _fine,_ but when you start saying shit like that…I know it’s not reality.” Cam shook her head, “You can’t give me what I need -plain and simple- and that’s _okay,_ but I’m not going to let myself get lulled into this because I need comfort and you’re willing to give it.”

* * *

There wasn’t much more to their conversation after Cam put the final brick into the looming wall that separated herself from Javier.

Javier cut the engine and just watched as Cam dug in her purse for her compact. She flipped down the visor and used the mirror to help patch up the makeup that had been ruined. After a new coat of mascara, she flipped the visor back up and tossed the tube into her purse.

“If you want to take your frustrations out on me, then do it, but you’re only hurting yourself,” With that, Javier handed Cam her keys and got out of the car. Cam looked at her watch and saw that she still had about twenty minutes left of her lunch hour. Coffee it is.

* * *

Cam’s ass hadn’t touched her seat for a whole two seconds before Murphy was standing over her.

“Your phone kept ringing off the hook while you were gone. Took a message for you. Guy named ‘Tio Carlos’. He seemed…anxious,” Murphy explained, setting down a sticky note with the name and number. At the mention of the name, Javier’s chair scraped against the floor as he rushed across the room to Cam’s desk.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Javier nearly berated his partner.

“…because it’s not your phone?” Murphy asked more than stated, confused why Javier would need to be informed.

“Thank you, Murphy,” Carlos Herrera had been a long time informant of Cam’s. He had a way of knowing where to get his information from, and he never bit the hand that fed him, which made him ideal in Cam’s eyes as far as informants went. Javier was very familiar with the man.

Javier came and parked himself right on the corner of Cam’s desk near her phone just as she picked the receiver up.

“Do you mind?” Cam asked as she held down the little button that closed the line.

“No, I don’t mind,” He motioned to her phone. Cam rolled her eyes and begun dialing the number. It rang three times, each ring making Javier more and more antsy.

“ _Hello?_ ” A raspy voice answered after the fourth ring.

“ _Uncle Carlos, I haven’t heard from you in a while. How are you?_ ” Cam referred to him as ‘Tio’ Carlos when speaking to him over the phone. God knows who had bugged what lines and she didn’t want to take any chances. Javier moved so he was hovering over Cam’s shoulder with his ear up next to her’s to try and hear the conversation. Cam whacked him in the chest, a warning to back off. Murphy watched the whole exchange, his eyes shifting between Cam and Javier.

“ _Mija! It is so good to hear from you! I wanted to invite you to dinner with Tia Cecilia tonight. Can you make it?_ ” ‘Tia Cecilia’ was actually Taqueria Cecilia on the east side of Bogotá, a place where they met often.

“ _Si_ ,”

“ _Around 8?_ ”

‘ _Si, Uncle Carlos. I’ll be bringing a friend along as well,_ ” **I’ll have another agent with me, so no funny business.** Javier’s eyebrows shot up in near excitement.

“ _Good, good. I have your birthday present to give to you as well since you were out of town this year. You’re going to love it._ ” **I’ve kept this information since you’ve been out of the game. It’s big.**

“ _You’re too good to me, Uncle. I’ll see you then!_ ” Cam hung up the phone and shot Javier an unimpressed look.

“Haven’t heard from him in a while,” Javier pointed out. “Must be big,” Cam turned to face Murphy.

“Be ready by 7:30,” Cam said to Murphy. Javier’s jaw dropped.

“You’re taking him?” Javier gestured to his partner. Cam shrugged.

“He’s gonna start chewing on the furniture if he stays cooped up in here any longer, Javier,” Cam pointed out. “Besides, he needs to stretch his legs a little,” She shifted her eyes back to Murphy, who had the shadow of a smile at her knocking Javier down a peg. He gave her a nod to let her know he was in. Javier leaned in closer and lowered his voice.

“Carlos doesn’t fuck around, Cam. Whatever he has, it’s gonna be big,”

“That’s exactly why I’m taking Murphy with me. Give him a goddamn opportunity to do his job since you won’t,” Cam shoved her phone back onto the corner of her desk. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to figure out how to fix my typewriter because someone decided to act like a goddamn neanderthal.”

* * *

Murphy was punctual, Cam would give him that. He was knocking on her door at 7:25, ready to go.

“Alright, so we need to go over a few rules,” Cam spoke as she and Murphy walked down to her car.

“Rules?” He asked as he got into the passenger seat.

“Yes,” Cam got into the driver seat, “First -and please don’t take this personally- do not speak. Second,” Cam looked over at Murphy as she shut her door. “If you happen to be asked anything by my informant, I’ll give you a little kick. Once for ‘yes’ and twice for ‘no’. You just sit there, nod or shake your head like you know exactly what’s going on, and look pretty, understood? You’re there for presence only and the second they see you’re vulnerable because you decided to work in a country where you don’t know the language, it’s like blood in the water for them.” Cam started the car, “I’m doing this for your own good,” Murphy nodded reluctantly. “Just go with it, Murph.”

“Okay…so who is this guy?” Cam pulled out of her spot at the curb and onto the street. Night had already fallen on Colombia, letting the street lights illuminate the city as they travelled to the east side.

“I’ve been working with Carlos almost as long as I’ve been in this country. He’s one of my first informants, and the only one at this point that hasn’t bitten a bullet. I don’t know how he gets his info, nor do I ask, but he is reliable. He’s never given me faulty info, so I don’t have a choice but to trust him. He does come with a heavy price, though.”

* * *

Sat in a booth in the dimmest corner of the quaint taqueria, Cam, Murphy, and Carlos were hunched over their table. The discussion between the senior agent and the informant was getting a little heated -Murphy could tell that much. He tried following the conversation with what little Spanish he knew, but they spoke so quickly and in what he assumed were coded phrases so it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. He just did as Cam said and looked as if he followed what was going on based on Cam’s facial expressions.

“ _You need to give me specifics, Carlos_ ,” Cam said lowly.

“ _I know of at least four in Bogotá alone, but I’m sure there are more throughout the country._ ”

“ _Don’t be coy._ _I need numbers. How much are they moving_? _And where are they moving it to?_ ” Carlos licked his bottom lip and shrugged.

“ _You know that information doesn’t come for free_ ,” Cam rolled her eyes, and opened her purse between herself and Murphy. Carlos knew Cam wasn’t going to skimp out on him. He just wanted to be an asshole.

“ _So are you a mute, or what, gringo?_ ” Carlos asked Murphy while he waited for Cam to get his bribe money. Cam gave him two taps on his shin with the tip of her shoe as she continued to dig through her purse. Murphy shook his head with a very unimpressed look towards Carlos.

“ _Of course he’s not mute, pendejo. He’s just knows the hierarchy,_ ” Cam explained, growing more irritated by the second.

Cam held up a wad of cash between her index and middle fingers so only Carlos could see it, and slid over a slip of paper and a pen. Carlos signed his info, just as he had done nearly one hundred times prior, and slid the paper back over to Cam, who discretely slipped the money under a napkin and pushed it in Carlos’ direction.

The informant sat back, a small grin on his lips as he brought his beer to his mouth and took a peak under the napkin.

“ _They’re moving anywhere from 10,000 to 15,000 kilograms_ ,” Carlos offered now that his palms had been greased. Cam’s brows furrowed.

“ _Per month_?” That amount in a month was hardly anything new, and Cam was just about to rip Carlos a new one for wasting her time and money when he corrected her.

“ _Per week_ , _per location_ ,” Cam’s eyes widened. It felt like she just hit the mother load.

“ _You’re positive?_ ” Cam questioned.

“ _Have I ever given you bad information before?_ ” Carlos questioned her with a bored raise of his brow. Cam pointed a finger at Carlos.

“ _You better not be fucking with me, Tio,_ ” Cam pushed a napkin and her pen over to him. “ _Write them down_ ,” Carlos shot Cam a look, then began scribbling down locations.

“ _Don’t insult my integrity, Cam. We’ve done good business together for a long time,_ ” He slid the napkin over to her and she slid a small piece of paper back with her new satellite phone’s number on it.

“ _You can reach me there directly. Do not call my office again_ ,” Was all Cam said before she shot him a look and got up from the booth, pulling Murphy after her. She casually wrapped her arm around his, making it look like they were a couple on a night out to not rouse any suspicions.

* * *

“So what the hell did he say?” Murphy asked as soon as the car doors were shut. Cam was quick to lock them as a habit. She turned the engine over and backed out of their spot before answering him.

“Escobar’s up to no good. Nothing new,” Cam’s eyes went to all of her mirrors to make sure they weren’t being followed. She intentionally didn’t give him the full scope of the information that was dropped onto her lap.

“You seem pretty stunned by what he had to say,” Cam turned down a side street, then doubled back, before making a few more random turns until she could see the highway.

“He’s an asshole,” Cam shrugged, turning onto the highway. “Anyway, it’s the CNP’s business now,”

“Then what was the point of doing this?”

“The point is, we get the info and hand it over to the CNP so _they_ can get their hands dirty. We just sit back and reap the reward of watching them take down these bastards,” Cam flicked her signal on to move lanes towards the next exit. “We walk a very precarious line when it comes to the internal politics. Unless it affects the US directly, we do not make a move. That’s where people like Colonel Carrillo come in.”

Murphy made a face at the mention of the Colonel. He had only met up with him a handful of times, but less was more when it came to interactions with him, he had learned.

“So now what do we do?” Murphy asked as Cam parked the car against the curb in front of the apartment building.

“ _We_ don’t do anything.” Cam turned the car off and turned to look at Murphy pointedly. “It’s up to the CNP while it is still on Colombian land. That also means that this stays between us, do you understand? I’m sure Javier explained it poorly, but there are certain ways these things need to be handled. The most important thing to remember is that information like this is extremely delicate, and the informants who give it are vulnerable if their info ever got out to the streets. You understand?”

“Yeah,”

“Good,” Cam nodded, “I’ll handle the CNP.”

* * *

“I know you didn’t have to bring me tonight, but I wanted to thank you.” Murphy spoke up as they were about to split in the hallway of the apartment building.

“Well, seeing as my little pep talk didn’t sway you, I figured I’d put you to work.” Cam put a hand on Murphy’s arm to stop him from going up the stairs to his apartment. “Hey, I know you’re chomping at the bit. You did well tonight. Anymore opportunities come up, I’ll let you know,” Murphy nodded.

“I appreciate it, Cam,” Cam gave him a small smile and let him go.

“Have a good night, Murph,” With this, the two agents went their separate ways. Cam walked to her door and slid the key into the lock.

* * *

Cam couldn’t help but think back to her conversation with Javier. The embarrassment she felt as her words played back to her was nearly crippling. He was right. She was only hurting herself by blocking everyone else out. And God, did it hurt.

She couldn’t face him though, not after what she said to him. Cam ran her hands down her face as she paced her silent living room.

Cam figured that her call to Horacio could wait until the next day. There were more pressing matters at hand.

* * *

Cam couldn’t look Javier in the eyes as he opened his door. She was looking down at his bare feet as she exhaled a deep breath.

“Cam?” Javier was leaned against the door jam, arm crossed.

“I’m sorry,” Cam started. “I said some...very awful things to you and you didn’t deserve it.” Javier sighed.

“Cam, it’s fi-”

“No, it’s not.” She cut him off, “I’m frustrated with myself and I took that out on you when you were only trying to help.” Cam finally looked up and saw a softness in Javier’s dark eyes that nearly had her break down on the spot. She felt her bottom lip wobble. Her mouth opened and closed a few times before she sighed in frustration. “Javier, I...I need help,”

Cam felt her whole body sag once the admission left her mouth. Javier merely pulled her into his arms and backed them into his apartment, kicking the door shut behind them.

The levy completely broke as Cam held onto Javier with everything she had. His warmth, the solidness of his chest, the strength of his arms as they held her were all too much for her. His cologne swirled through her senses as he pulled her to his sofa.

Javier’s television was on, though the volume was low. He clicked the power off, leaving just the two of them to occupy the space. Cam wiped the tears from her cheeks, embarrassment clearly present in her features. It was taking everything in her to not just tuck tail and run. Javier gently brought his hand to hers and let his thumb rub over her knuckles. 

“I thought it was Nick.” Cam started. Her voice was just above a whisper and her eyes were watching the motion of Javier’s hand. “I thought all of those feelings were about Nick,” She shook her head, “but they’re not and I’m having to deal with that now. It was manageable before, but,” She shook her head again. “After the other night, I just…shattered. It was like I had opened Pandora’s Box and I can’t close it back up.” Cam bit her lip, contemplating whether she should keep going.

Javier moved closer to her, his other hand cupping her cheek so that she’d look up at him.

“I’ve got you,” Was all he said to encourage her to continue.

“I feel…like I would’ve been better off if the ambulance was two minutes later than it was. If the bullet in my chest was just a few inches to the left. That if I didn’t slide to the floor like a coward, it would’ve been instant.” Cam pulled her hand away from his grasp and let her palms cover her face as a sob broke free from her trembling lips. “Because whatever is waiting on the other side can’t be worse than this is right now.” Whatever Javier thought she was going to say didn’t hold a candle to what Cam just confessed. 

“I wake up every morning and I’m so disappointed that my eyes open. I have to drag myself out of bed, force myself to take a shower, force myself to dress presentably, and go to work like I’m okay,” She shook her head, “and I’m not.” Cam’s voice cracked. “I look at myself, at the scars,” Cam pointed to her face and her body, “and I’m reminded every day that I’m a _coward_ ,” She was taking quick breaths between each sentence.

“I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I hate going home because all I have is silence and the fucking intrusive thoughts and the incessant banging against the fucking wall!” Javier’s eyes widened. On instinct, he leaned over and practically dragged Cam onto his lap. He hugged her to him like both of their lives depended on it. “So I just…stay at work because I can focus on something else that isn’t related to me just… _jumping off of a fucking building_!” Cam was full on sobbing into Javier’s neck. “I’m barely hanging on by a fucking thread and I can’t take it anymore,”

One of Javier’s hands rubbed up and down Cam’s back, the other held the back of her head as she cried every emotion she had bottled up out.

Javier, in all honesty, did not know what to say to Cam. He couldn’t find the right words, so he just held her -whispering ‘I’m sorry’ over and over into her hair.

* * *

**_your prison is walking through this world all alone_ **


End file.
